Someday...Great

So this week nothing great really happened. We had some lessons, had lots of rain as usual. (If anyone else goes anywhere in Japan on their mission they will want to buy a rain suit, one of those completely waterproof coat and pants) because it rains ALL THE TIME! And when the clouds aren`t raining, my eyes are. I don`t think I have cried so much before my mission. It`s my own fault for being a more sentimental, nostalgic(?) personality but it`s true, I miss a lot of things. Not that I don`t understand the importance of what I am doing, just it`s hard not to let my mind wander to previous memories or even just daydreaming. So I think I kind of hit a wall this week emotionally. I just was so bugged when Halloween came and went and nobody really did anything about it. We had a ward Halloween party, but it was just like all the ward members dropped off their kids and I was bugged because it turned out to be a complete waste of time from a missionary work standpoint. I concluded this week that someday had become today. Lots of things in life we view as someday things. I`ll go on a mission someday, I`ll repent someday, I`ll grow up someday, I`ll learn Japanese someday, I`ll graduate someday, and so on. But since in our mind these things are categorized as `someday`, we have a hard time adjusting to the reality that no you wont be a missionary SOMEDAY, you`re a missionary TODAY. I`ve just had a hard time when I want to be a great missionary who The Lord can use to touch the hearts of these people, but I just struggle. I feel stupid every time I open my mouth. I am exhausted, and I feel alone. I struggle because I want to be the Champion. I want to be great. But I`m not. I want to as Nephi did, have the strength to burst the cords which bind me, but no, the cords are loosed just enough for it to work out. I really have a hard time with this blasted language because there is not a way for me to look up a word in english, and have the Japanese pronunciation, because the dictionary I have is only from Japanese to English. So unless I know the Japanese word I want to learn, I can`t very effectively translate from English to Japanese unless Elder Sekiguchi happens to know that English word. (If anyone really loves me, they would send me a English to Japanese Dictionary either with Romanized Japanese, or Furigana, because I can`t read 99% of the chinese characters and Pres. Zinke has advised us not to study them until the second half of our mission) I feel like my language ability is increasing, but not fast enough. I don`t want to be okay, I want to be great. I am working on being a friend to those I am in contact with because even if I can`t tell them very much, I can show them by what I do, and what kind of person I am even if I can`t show them by what I say. Eliza I got your letter from September 11th that you forgot to send off. I look forward to receiving the rest of your letters. Mom I really enjoyed your letter thank you so much for that. Caroline I LOVED your letter! I`ll write you back really soon! It`s crazy to think that I`ve been here as long as I have, yesterday was my fifth fast sunday. I wish I wan`t so tired all the time. I love and miss all of you! I hope to hear from you all soon!

Love,

Jonathan, Elder Pace